.For Juliet.

Yes thats right these two are about to be Parents (this friday.) That is my brother Matthew, and sister- in law Jessica! They are having a little girl who is already 7lbs 11 ounces, and is in the top 5 percentile for longest baby. HAHA. Her name is going to be Juliet Miller. I am kind of nervous about this new title of "Aunt," as they have decided they want her to call me Auntie Lola because Lauren will be too hard for her to catch on to at first. Since I am the closest to them this means babysitting constantly. I am totally ok with that too! I am hoping that I will be a good aunt, and that I can be a role model for this little one seeing as I am not sure that I want children of my own someday. I feel some strange sense of overwhelming love for this child already, and I desperatly need to feel that right now. I worry about certain things that will come along with this whole new responsibility. I am overcome with so much right now in my life, that I am unsure how to handle happiness right now. That sounds horrible, but I am hoping that I can snap out of it just for the weekend while my parents are here so they don't freak out about me being a bum right now (emotion wise.) So I will put on my smile for them and fake it. The harsh reality is they know I am not doing ok, and they worry anyways even if I put on a front for them. That is what I truly lvoe about myfamily they support me in the right ways, to where they know I need space, and I am stressed about everything going on in my life. At times I wish they were closer, but I realize that I have grown so much in these past 5 years, I would not trade that "life growth," for anything. SO here is to you Ju Ju Bee (that is my little pet name for my niece) I can't wait to meet you little one! Matthew and Jessica are going to teach you spanish when you are growing up, so in honoring that decision I learned a spanish lullaby to sing to you while I rock you to sleep. I love you little one, and look forward to watching you grow! Love, Auntie Lola!

.Design, Design, Design.

.Just One Morning.

.Counting Up My Demons.

I find some strange comfort in the fact that someone somewhere has to be feeling the way I do right now. That may be a horrible way of looking at it, because if I could save anyone from feeling this I would. The pains of not falling asleep, trying to eat yet nothing is good enough, trying to push forward when you feel motionless, stuck, lonely, teary, thoughtful with thoughts that seem so blurry, upset, horrified, and mostly heartbroken. Somehow nothing is good enough, not even the words from loved ones (family). 

.Good Gumdrops I'm An Adult.

.Travel.

At the end of a trip to another city, state, or country, someone always has the thought, "It would be nice to move there." At some point visiting the same place and people, they become your home not by the act of repetition, by the feeling that comes along with each visit. Now visiting a place over and over does not mean it should become your home. Home can be more than a place, home can be a heart, home is the warm place where everything feels just right, the world around you seems to melt away, the feeling of truly having a purpose a reason for wanting to be "home." Home is a feeling not just a place to go to bed at night, to watch a movie, to read a book, to eat dinner at a table. As much as traveling consumes my thoughts, home takes presidence always, and it always has. My heart longs for home, it longs for peace of mind, it longs for that feeling I spoke of where everything else melts away. Living & visiting are two different things, it is the investment in the heart of mine that was finally at peace, that understood finally what home truly meant.

.Bad Dreams.

Sleep does not come easily right now. It is a battle that I have with myself to try to force sleep. My bed no longer occupies me, I choose the couch. When I do finally get to sleep it has been similar dreams night after night. Whether good or bad, either way they haunt me when I wake up. Leaving me empty, teary, and sick to the stomach. With heavy sad eyes I now say this, I am fearful of sleep, it only lies to me, and then reality kicks me in the chest when I wake up.

.Weeks & Weekends Blurring Together.

Good Morning Hair

.The Beginning.